Yvonne vs the Beard
by Extreme Stratusfaction
Summary: The mystery that is Zac's beard comes into play as Yvonne isn't too crazy about it. That's writer, Ali Adler's cue to come to the rescue and pay homage to The Royal Tenenbaums at the same time. Real world mixed with Chuckiverse. Completely random.


_This is completely random and I came up with the idea at 2:30 in the morning. The majority of this was written late at night when my brain cells take a break. This was inspired by the picture Ali Adler posted of her and Zac Levi on the first day of filming season 3. I realize this is completely implausible in the production world. For those who have never seen The Royal Tenenbaums, you will be in the same boat as Yvonne in this fic. Not unreadable but you'll get to see what a day on the set of Chuck could be like for Ms. Strahovski as cultural references get thrown around left and right._

**Character Key:  
Zachary Levi = actor who plays Chuck  
Yvonne Strahovski = actress who plays Sarah  
Joshua Gomez = actor who plays Morgan  
Julia Ling = actress who plays Anna  
Sarah Lancaster = actress who plays Ellie  
Ali Adler = Writer and executive producer of "Chuck." Responsible for writing both Carina and Jeffster. I applaud her.  
Alex Patsavas = Music supervisor for "Chuck." Responsible for "Fresh Feeling," "Skinny Love," "Signs," etc. My hero.  
Josh Schwartz and Chris Fedak = Co-creators of "Chuck"**

**---**

**Yvonne vs. The Beard**

"No."

"What? Come on! I think it looks good," Zac protested.

"No." Yvonne stood there at the Warner Bros. Studios with her arms folded over her chest and her right leg sticking out. Dane Cook would describe that pose as a woman's "kick stand." Stubborn and un-budgable, it was a woman's most powerful weapon.

"Yvonne, this is the most important scene," writer and executive producer, Ali Adler, cut in. "You know the fans will have our asses for this if we screw it up."

"No," she responded simply. Zac threw his hands up in the air out of the frustration caused by his co-star's one word vocabulary. He then walked off, leaving Yvonne standing with Ali. "I'm sorry but I am not kissing him with that thing on his face. It's just not happening."

Ali thought for a few seconds on how she could fix this situation. Finally she got an idea. "Okay. We hold off the kiss scene until tomorrow. In the mean time I know what we can do." She took her Apple manufactured 3G iPhone out of her pocket and said, "I just need to make a quick phone call." She then walked off and Yvonne could hear her saying, "Alex? It's me…"

--

Ali sat in front of her laptop typing like crazy. She was actually glad Yvonne refused. She had always dreamed of writing a scene like this. She quickly hit command + S on the keyboard and then clicked the printer icon. Grabbing the hot paper as it came out the other end, she ran it by Fedak and Schwartz to get the okay from them. Once she did (they loved it), she went back to the set and handed Yvonne the script.

Reading it over in her 'director's chair,' Yvonne seemed happy until she got a confused look on her face and pointed to one line on the page. "It's great but… what's a "Needle In the Hay" scene? I'm not familiar with that term." It was times like these when people had to restrain themselves from hugging the Aussie actress with great force. She was just so freaking cute and adorably clueless when it came to American culture. And being on a show like "_Chuck"_ these times were not infrequent, either.

"Don't worry about it, " Ali said as she tried to hide her amusement, "you're not in that one."

"Oh," Yvonne said compliantly, "okay."

"Perfect. Let me just get this over to Zac and then we can start rolling." Yvonne nodded and Ali went over to where Zac and Joshua were hanging out.

Zac took his time reading it over as Joshua read over his shoulder. After a long while he looked up and said, "I'll agree to this on one condition."

"Name it," Ali said.

"I don't end up attempting suicide." Zac and Joshua burst out laughing and Ali laughed with them.

"Deal."

--

Monday night at 8pm the cast sat in Josh Schwartz's media room to watch the return of _Chuck._ Zac was seated in between Joshua and Yvonne as they watched.

"Okay! Here we go!" Joshua yelled excitedly as the commercial break ended, knowing what was coming next.

--

**Chuckiverse:**

Sarah strode into the Buy More and stood on her tiptoes to find Chuck. Walking towards the Nerd Herd station, she did one more 360 before going up to Anna who was the current on site nerd herder.

"Hey, Anna, have you seen Chuck?" Sarah was now much more comfortable interacting with the enigma that was Anna Wu after getting her through the whole Jason/Morgan saga. Unfortunately for Sarah, Anna was too busy checking out Morgan to give her a proper response.

Sighing like a fan girl would for 'Nsync, Anna said, "Morgan is so hot. Just look at that beard."

Sarah got a disgusted look on her face and barely glanced at him. "Yeah, um, so do you know where Chuck is?"

Anna still hadn't moved her head from resting it on her hand as she stared longingly at her boyfriend. Whatever she saw in him was obviously lost on Sarah.

"You must be so happy Chuck grew out his beard."

"Um… actually I kind of hate it," Sarah said quickly. "So… _Anna_. Have. You. Seen. Chuck." She was beginning to get a little impatient.

"You hate it?!" At this Sarah took a quick breath in and looked around, trying to calm herself. "How can you hate it?"

"Because it feels weird when I kiss him! Can you _please_ tell me where he is?" Just then Morgan of all people decided to walk up.

"What's weird when you kiss him? And by "him" I seriously hope you're talking about Chuck because if you weren't that's really not cool, Sarah." Sarah was about to open her mouth before being cut off. "And as my title as Chuck Bartowski's best friend it would be my obligation to tell him if you were in fact talking about somebody else. Bros before hoes, Sarah. Bros before hoes." Sarah was absolutely dumbfounded by the moronic things coming out of Morgan Grimes' mouth.

"She was talking about Chuck's beard, Morgan," Anna told her boyfriend. Morgan's eyes almost popped out of his head and his jaw dropped. He looked as if it was the most unheard of thing in the world. A girlfriend not liking her boyfriend's beard.

"Morgan, do you know where Chuck is?" Sarah asked exhaustedly. Just talking to these two could tire her out.

"Yeah, I think he said something about an offsite install. Said he'd take awhile and probably wouldn't be back until the end of his shift. "

Not wanted to further the conversation, if it could even be considered that, Sarah walked past them and mumbled to herself, "Well that was a waste of time."

Once Sarah was out of earshot Anna leaned towards Morgan. "Morgan, why did you tell Sarah Chuck isn't here? You know he's just in the cage."

"Time to pull my weight around here and look out for my friend." Morgan dramatically outstretched his arms and cracked his knuckles against each other. Attempting to crack his neck, but ultimately failing, Morgan walked to the cage with a purposeful gate. "Operation Save Chuck's Relationship is a go."

"That isn't even a good name for an operation," Anna admonished him. Morgan was having none of it and kept walking to find his best friend.

Chuck was sitting in the cage fixing an old desktop when he heard Morgan walk by. He kept his distance from the cage due to his irrational fear of old computers. "Chuck we've got a code red on your LIFE bro and we need to get moving."

"What?! Morgan, what are you talking about?" Chuck was afraid someone from the spy world had infiltrated the Buy More and it was times like these when he really wished he knew where Sarah was.

Morgan took one step closer, but stopped abruptly and said, "Listen, man, if you don't come with me right now you'll be hugging a pillow for another five years. _Let's go!_"

Chuck put down the screwdriver he was using to fix the desktop. "Okay, okay. I'm coming. Calm yourself, buddy."

"Alright, that's what I'm talking about. Grab your keys I gotta make a quick stop at Large Mart and then we're off to your place."

Morgan did exactly that and after ten minutes jogged to the Herder with a plastic bag in hand. He slid into the passenger seat and told Chuck to floor it. After over 20 years of knowing Morgan, Chuck had come to get used to the fact that he will never understand some of the things he does.

Once inside Casa Bartowski, Morgan handed Chuck the bag and pushed him towards the bathroom. Before getting ten feet, Chuck stopped and turned around. "Okay, buddy, now you have to tell me what's going on."

Morgan looked to be contemplating how to give Chuck the news and finally took a deep breath. "Listen man we've been friends a long time, right?"

"Yeah…"

"Right. I'm not really sure how to say this…" Morgan paused for about thirty seconds.

"Morgan, just get to the point!" Chuck yelled, getting almost as impatient with him as Sarah had been.

"You have to lose the beard." It looked as though Morgan had just gotten a huge weight off his shoulders.

"What?" Chuck asked. "I like my beard."

"Yeah, man, so do I. We're like twins now only you're the tall one. It's awesome, not to move in on Awesome's word, but I feel like we've connected on an even higher level than ever before, you know?"

Chuck shook his head with a dumbfounded expression plastered on his face. "No, Morgan. I have no idea what you're talking about."

"If it was up to me, we'd be beard buddies forever, but your lady isn't psyched about it. She told Anna she didn't like kissing you. And if she doesn't want to kiss you, then she doesn't want to have sex with you. And if she doesn't want to have sex with you, then what kind of relationship is _that_?"

"_If all I had to do was shave my beard to get Sarah to have sex with me I'd have done that a long time ago,"_ Chuck thought to himself.

"I'm really sorry, Chuck. It's for the best," Morgan said, looking like he was about to cry.

"_**Needle in the Hay" by Elliott Smith started playing in the background.**_

Chuck sighed and walked into the bathroom, his shoulders visibly slumped. He shut the door behind him and looked into the mirror. Chuck stared at his reflection for a long while before loosening his Nerd Herd tie. He pulled it off and dropped it on the ground. He then unclipped his ID badge and dropped that on the floor, as well. He never once tore his eyes away from the mirror. Cupping his hands under the sink, Chuck wet his beard. The water was so hot there was steam rising up. Looking into the bag, he grabbed the barber scissors and began to cut chunks of hair. It looked uneven and blotchy all over. Once the majority of the facial hair had been hacked off, he wet his beard once more and began to trim. The scissors took him longer than it should have as he randomly shortened the hairs. He was careful when cutting his mustache to avoid snipping his nose and or upper lip. Once it was down to what could be described as a five 'o clock shadow, Chuck tossed the scissors aside and reached into the bag to grab the shaving cream. He sprayed a medium sized amount of foam onto his fingers and then dabbed his other hand into it as well. Lathering it over the remains of his mustache and beard, he then rinsed his hands under the hot water. The final item in the plastic Large Mart bag was a razor. Chuck stared at it contemplating, and finally looked into his reflection and dragged it down his right cheek. Seeing the hairless skin on his face as the cream was scraped away, he stared into his own eyes in the mirror.

Whispering to himself, he said, "Sarah better kiss the hell out of me when I see her."

_**Commercial break.**_

--

"Eyyy!!" Everyone cheered as the screen changed from Zac's face to a tasty Subway $5 foot long.

Joshua stood up and dramatically applauded his co-worker. "Well done, my friend."

"Why thank you, good sir," Zac said as he played along.

"And well done, Ali, too," Sarah Lancaster cut in. "That was great for something you just came up with on the spot. I can't believe you pulled that off."

"Well, I couldn't have done it without Alex's help in getting the song on such short notice," Ali said. "Seriously, she is a miracle worker."

"I don't know about you guys, but I think I deserve something for going through that," Zac said suggestively as he motioned with his eyes over to his onscreen love interest. Yvonne blushed and leaned over to give him a small kiss on the cheek. Zac pretended to faint into the couch, causing her to laugh as she hit him on the shoulder. He sat up and jokingly said, "Sorry, I thought I had died and gone to Heaven." He pulled her into a one armed hug and she leaned her head on his shoulder with a bright smile on her face.

"And now I know what a "Needle in the Hay" scene is," Yvonne said proudly.

"So If I was Richie, I guess that makes you Margot, huh?"

"What?" she asked Zac, taking her head off of him.

"Oh no," he exaggerated. "Now I need to show you The Royal Tenenbaums! Come over to my house tomorrow and we'll watch it."

Yvonne smiled and kissed his bare cheek one more time. "It's a date."

**The End.**

**---**

_Props to The Royal Tenenbaums. One of the greatest films ever made. To see the original Richie scene from the movie just YouTube "Royal Tenenbaums Needle in the Hay." Warning: I only described up to the non-explicit stuff in the scene. The second half of the scene can get pretty graphic. I made the length of the written part to fit the actual scene and had the video playing in the next window while reading it and it worked out pretty well._

_So I wrote this before I knew Chuck would have the beard for the beginning on the first episode before shaving it. Guess I wasn't too far off. I hope you all survive through the break. _


End file.
